... complaining

Why? Because I can.

And I feel like it.

I'm in a 'down' mood. Not terribly unhappy, but just in one of those moods, where even the things you have can't make you happy, none of your music seems to help and even when concentrating on the important things, you're easily distracted.

I  think part of it is my story. (I mentioned I'm a writer, right?) Well, it just doesn't seem to be doing very well. I wrote the thing for NaNoWriMo last year, which was exhilarating fun, and have since been trying to revise. It's hard for me. I've never finished a story before. And I feel completely out of my depth. I know what the problems were with the original manuscript - namely the storyline had massive gaps but the characters were pretty good. They needed adapting, yes, the whole beginning needed rewriting because it was awful; these things I can, and did, deal with. My problem lies in the fact that it's just not as good as I want it to be. 

Yes, I know, "the artist is always more critical", "it can't be that bad", "it's actually fine", blah blah blah, but actually, it's not fine. I don't know how to fix it and it's bothering me. I used to adore writing, and did it constantly to the point of having that and school and nothing else, but now... I can't seem to get the emotions going like I used to.

I read a blog recently, while searching for inspiration on how to get my writing mo-jo back (I've learnt that feel good quotes do not help), and it basically said: writer's block does not exist.

And I said: bullshit.

Writer's block isn't about not being able to write. Sometimes you can write, it's just that everything you write is shit. Sometimes it's a lack of inspiration, of being exhausted, or feeling self-conscious. Sometimes its just that particular scene you're having trouble with, sometimes it's plot or characters. Sometimes it's even just that you're too busy, and you don't have the time when  you really want to, so when you sit down and try to write, nothing happens.

I wonder which is my problem. I'm in Year 12, so I have so much work to do - endless SACs, tests, notes, and even exams in a few weeks. But I refuse to believe that my muse would desert me in my time of need. I need to write, I have to because it's the one thing I'm good at and usually it makes me feel better, and honestly, there's not much else going on in my life right now to distract me from how hopeless my novel seems.

Do all writers go through this? Even the published ones? I'd like to know, because if not, what the hell is wrong with me and my novel!?

...School is bothering me a bit too, though I feel better now after the long weekend. Last week I had seven SACs. Seven. Two on Monday, one on each of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and two on Friday. It got to the point where I didn't care, couldn't study and giggled manaically to myself through each one. I know I was away for a week because I had a dreadful flu, but honestly... that week seemed excessively difficult to me.

I guess another thing is money/spending. I don't have a job because study takes up all of my time, but at the moment, I want so many things. Everything from clothes, shoes, wigs, furniture (there were these cute chairs I loved in a shop window), fabric, DVDs, CDs, jewellery, guitars and amps. I want to be able to sew clothes again, and do cosplay - both of which cost a lot of money. However, I don't have any spare money because I'm saving to get extensions.

As a note of importance: I hate saving. Just to clear that up for anyone who was wondering.

And my band! I'm frustrated with that too. Not the people, mind you, but the whole process of writing, composing, practicing and all of that. I'm not very good with music so it's terribly difficult to try to pull everything together. It's taking far too long to feel like going nowhere.

*sigh* I'm starting to feel better. I mentioned that writing did that. I do feel bad for neglecting my blog. I want to stick with it! Just haven't had much interesting to write about. I did get a penguin - crocheted, not a real penguin - he's adorable. There are some photos of him I want to share, I just have to get them off my sister's camera.

This is Shi, having a cathartic rant.